DAMAGED!!

I sat at the edge of the tub, tears bathing my face as the water should and having no strength to stop it. I let the tears run down my cheeks not caring if it stung my bruises. The pain I felt had wound its way to my soul threatening to rob me of more than the few missing skin and broken limbs that I’m accustomed to loosing; my sanity. I stood up and walked gingerly to the gigantic mirror in the bathroom, ignoring my protesting joints. It was the first time in months I had summoned enough courage to see a reflection of myself. The girl that stared back at me looked nothing like me. The once beautiful, vibrant young girl was gone. I looked like an old woman struggling to keep it together. Reflexively, I touched the little scars on my face. They were so many of them, standing out like little stars in the sky on a dark night. My once stunning eyes were bloodshot with dark rings around it and my luscious lips, swollen and disfigured. I disrobed and the sight of open cracks all over my body made the salty water escape the confines of my duct. I shut my eyes against the image hoping to shut it from my mind’s eye too but it was impossible.
I saw the first time he hit me. He had said it was a mistake and I loved him so much, so I overlooked it and forgave him. The other times he would get drunk and hit me so hard. I never blamed him then, I blamed the alcohol. Besides that, I was scared. Scared of never finding a man who would even glance at me the second time, scared I would be an old maid living alone in my parents’ house, scared I will never know what marriage would be like, so I stayed and endured it all. For eight years, I endured the harsh treatments he lashed out at me, I endured the pains when he would use me as his sex slave after battering me. I endured it in silence, not whispering a word about the abuse he inflicted on me to anybody. I would stay at home and drown my pains and depression in pills of anti-depression drugs my pharmacist friend had prescribed for me. Sometimes I wondered if he would stop being angry and other times, I would blame myself for infuriating him.

I felt his presence before I felt his touch on my shoulders. I opened my eyes and looked at him through the mirror. His face was buried in my shoulder and his poise reeked of remorse. He had come to apologize as he usually did.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”, he said, planting light kisses on my shoulder. Every kiss felt like the blow I received with his fist. I cringed at my sudden disgust of him.
“Baby, I’m so sorry to hurt you. I promise I’m never gaan hit you again.”
But I was tired of the “I’m sorrys”. I was tired of blaming myself for his problems. I was tired of living like a mule to be maltreated anyhow by its owner. I was tired of the pills I swallowed. I was tired of sticking with a psycho because I was scared to start all over. I was tired of having my love trampled upon and thrown back at me. I was tired of him, of the ghost of a relationship I was trying to protect. I was tired of everything.
“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for indulging you in your childish anger tantrums, I’m sorry I allowed myself to used by someone who doesn’t deserve me. I’m sorry I can’t take this any longer but I’m not sorry to leave you.”, I sounded calmer than I felt. I stared at him through the mirror, the un-shed tears making my eyes shine like fiery dark coals.
“Now, baby don’t be silly. I know that’s a joke. I’m sorry, okay? Why don’t you go to the kitchen and prepare that delicious yam porridge that I love so much.”, he said with a smirk and turned to leave.
I felt annoyance ripple through my body. Maybe it was because of the fact that he never thought I could leave him or the fact that I had lost my dignity and sanity to a man who didn’t deserve me in the first place. It was time to move on, even if it meant being by myself for the rest of myself. I rushed past him to the bedroom and threw all my things in the suitcase. I looked up and saw him there, looking at me with amusement in his eyes. He wasn’t even going to beg because he knew I had always been foolish when it came to him. I picked the case up and I felt my subconscious dusting the armour of dignity I had shoved aside before putting it on. I moved and he didn’t even try to stop me.
“You’re going to come back, baby”, he laughed!

I got into my car and cried. Cried for the years I had wasted with a man who saw me as useless without him. A man who used me as he wished because I allowed him. As I turned the ignition of my car, I shut that page of my life. No man would treat me as a “thing” anymore. Henceforth, I was going to command respect and wield my dignity everywhere I go as a weapon!!

NOTE: you don’t have to wait eight long years before you realiZe you have to get out of an abusive relationship. You deserve a man who would love you and treat you with respect. You don’t deserve a man who would beat you and use you at his will. Don’t be scared to end that relationship, you’ll always find a man who will adore you. Relationship is not a by force thingy. Don’t think because your friends will mock you or your parents will ridicule you if you are single, you should then stay in an abusive relationship. Be wise!!!

Posted by theinkheart