theinkheartblog

letting the ink tell the tales conceived in my mind………

Month: May, 2014

When I first thought of writing this post, I wanted desperately to pour out all the anger I was feeling for something that happened to me yesterday. I wanted to write and write till my hand was aching me but when I started, something occurred to me that I was obviously not the only one going through this ish. So many people out there have parents who are real pains in their asses and it is actually a terrible thing when we think about it. Maybe I should start by sharing what happened to me yesterday with you guys. I’m not afraid of anybody who will come here and judge me. It is actually not going to bug me one bit because the fact that I can write about it doesn’t mean I want to condemn anybody but to help so many people out there. After all, we are all going to be parents one day.

About two years ago, I was going through a whole lot of issues that was making me depressed and was afraid to share with anyone. I drew into my shell because I saw myself as being vulnerable and susceptible to being betrayed and hurt. I stopped talking with my best friend, I totally alienated myself from a lot of people who I’m sure could have helped me through that phase. I was angry and sad and could not trust anybody anymore. The best way to deal with everything going on with me was partying excessively, drinking, smoking and skipping school. That went on for almost a year until my parents found out and the stuff got to my faculty officer and had to be withdrawn from the school. Scared of my father, I ran away from home twice and had to go home because of my mom. My dad practically disowned me and although I’ve begged, he still insisted on having nothing to do with me.

My mom (God bless her soul) took up the challenge of sponsoring my education and I’m grateful for that because I know how hard it has been especially dealing with my dad who strongly wants me to be a desolate because what I did earlier. It’s been two years, in my final year and my dad hasn’t still moved on. I know how disappointed someone can be when someone fails you but is that enough to write that person off that he/she can never fail us? I’m a totally changed person and he refused to see that. He keeps on holding on to a past that has vapourised. My mom keeps telling me to ignore everything he says to me and face my studies squarely but that can sometimes be hard when every time I step home, all my dad is about is the money I wasted then and not the progress I’m making now.

I do not hate him despite everything. He’s not given a kobo since that time and I never bothered him with it. My mom doesn’t bother him too. Why then should he in every way look for a way to pull me down instead of encourage me to go further? Just yesterday, he still told someone not to help me with my IT placement in nestle. Is my offence so great that the dude can’t think of forgiveness? Is he not teaching be as unforgiving as he is? It is so bad that I can’t even go to the house and call it a home because I can’t find happiness there. I can stay away for half a year without missing the place and when I tell people I don’t want to go home, they get all preachy on me just because they don’t know half of the things I go through in the hands of my “father”. Parents are guardians and role models to their children but what lessons am I supposed to pick from this man? If I treat my own children the same way he is treating me, will he be happy with me? Or if he grows old and grey and we all gang up to not take care of him or neglect, how will he feel?.

So many parents do not even understand the reasons for getting married and making babies. They just do it to please the society. I could have asked him if he preferred me dead rather than succeed but all I could ask was what of God up there that we fail every minute and forgives us every time. I’ve watched my father do so many absurd things since I was small that marriage scares the hell out of me. Whenever someone says the prayer “a man like your father is who you will meet”, I’m quick to reject it without thinking twice. Who wants a man who acts as if he did us a favour by giving birth to us or who wants a man that will make my kids hide in terror whenever they hear his voice. I should see my dad and say, that’s the kind of man I want to marry or be like not the other way round. He makes such a poor role model and many times, I wished my mom never met him.

I know parenting is tough but as youths, we can still change things by thinking thoroughly what we want to achieve in the lives of our kids before thinking of marriage. I know marriage is the union of two people who love themselves, been through happy and sad together and have found themselves compatible to live together but we should place our emotions aside and consider what’s best for our children. When you can’t train your kids well, they go all off and you too can’t be happy. Whatever stigma your child carries, you carry it too. Think of the best thing you want your children to be and look for someone who shares the same opinion with you.

I work as a columnist for http://www.360nobs.com and another online platform that is currently on upgrade. I actually enjoy writing something different from fiction and it’s been almost fun sharing my thoughts about certain things with total strangers, something I was not comfortable doing because I am a terrible loner. Yesterday, my boss told me to take a week break from work so that I can allow my brain to breath. I read the mail to my younger sister who at first panicked that I may be losing the job and later asked me to explain the contents of the mail to her properly. I did and in the process, explained what was going on with me.

It is not as if I do not love my work, I love my work so much it makes me smile that I’m finally doing what I want to do. Writing is what I’m very good at. It is the only place I feel free to become whoever I want to be. It is the only way I can fully express my opinions and then shove it down your throat making me feel like a boss (or something that silly). When I’m sad, I write my sadness away. Writing is my pride and joy and it is something I want to do for the rest of my life (my love for writing comes after book collecting though). I believe I have a very important message to pass to the world and writing has given me the right voice I need to do just that.

So, I asked myself why then was I not putting myself out? Why was I not giving my best to something I want to do for the rest of my life; after all, I can’t become the professional writer I want to be if I don’t put my best in my works. I would just be another writer with a blog dumping half baked stories in it. I came to few conclusions and I decided to share with you guys, hoping to help somebody experiencing the same dilemma as I am.

1. I was afraid to say certain things: I’ve been through a whole lot and that was what actually drove me to sharpen my blunt pencil and write my pains to oblivion. Most of my stories are dark and sad and they carry most of the emotions I was feeling at a particular time. Fiction gave me the opportunity to hide behind a curtain while sharing my stories but non-fictions do not have any safe curtain to hide behind and that is scary enough for me. I want to share my experience and talk about my past and all but at the same time, I was scared of who may want to use that information against me. It is hard for me to trust people with my issues and that is affecting my work. But I’ve decided to put it all out. Who cares who wants to use them against me or not, as long as people are reading them and are being helped, I’m okay with being judged. It is high time I trusted myself enough not to be bothered about what anybody has to say.

2. I was placing values (unnecessary) on my talent: let’s be sincere, it is often not easy to be paid a certain amount of cash just to string your thoughts about different things together and not feel a little out of sync with what you were used to doing. Apart from the fact that the pay is good, my boss at 360nobs is someone I adore and look up to when it comes to writing. It was actually hard not to go overboard trying to impress the socks off her. In a bid not to disappoint her, I started doing too much. Why try to impress when I end up not delivering something not good enough when I can be myself and write what I’m comfortable with. I’ve decided to start writing for myself and enjoy it while I’m at it.

3. I did not understand why I was being paid: this one is a very serious one. I realised that if one doesn’t understand the reason he/she is being paid to do a certain thing, the person is just going to be doing anyhow. While thinking, something shocking dropped in my mind. 360nobs get all the articles but all the credits come to me. In all the comments for my articles, I’ve never for once seen nice work 360nobs. It is always nice work inkheart, alice or writer. It then came to me that 360nobs is a platform to showcase my works to a larger community; giving me the publicity I need as a writer. The money given to me is to encourage me not to get tired and get better. I’m not afraid to say this, if I’m told to write for free, I’ll still be ready to give my best.

4. I did not understand that fictions and non-fictions are actually the same thing: Fictions are real life happenings. The fact that they have non-living characters does not mean it can’t happen or is not happening. They are stories embedded with true life facts just like every other article out there. Writers will agree with me that even their characters are not 100 percent fictitious; they are born from the people around us which makes them just as real too. I did not actually understand that it is the same rules that apply to writing all forms of article. If my readers can cry while reading my stories, my random string of thoughts should be able to make them cry too. I should put emotions in my articles; that breathes life into them and make them alive for people to relate with. Life is cliche itself, what you make out of it is what makes it extraordinary; I will always apply that rule to my works

5. I’m not at my best yet: writing for online platforms and getting paid does not mean I’m awesome. These days, you find writers everywhere. What makes me the best at what I do and stand out is the fact that I should never stop learning. The internet is there for me to get materials and read the enhance my skills and follow writers that will act as role models to me. I should understand that no one can outrun “best” by sitting on their asses and hyping themselves. Someone can do what I am doing and even better. I understood that in become the best I want to be, I have to be open to learning new stuffs and have the right attitude to corrections. Anyone can be my teacher, even the mad man out there can teach me something very crucial that will enhance my productivity generally.

No one can set the standard for being the best for you except you do that. Deciding and understanding why you are writing will put you on your path to greatness -The Inkheart.

Note: these are basically my thoughts. I just feel I should put it here. If I want to be great at not hiding my thoughts behind flimsy excuses, I will start by putting whatever is going through my head on my blog. It feels really liberating to do this. I feel like I can touch the clouds in the sky. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and Thank God It’s Friday 🙂

HEARTBREAKS and CHOCOLATES

According to some people, heartbreak is a pretty normal phase everybody in life has to go through. To them, it is one of those things that shapes your heart to form the opinion of the kind of love you want to grow old with. Because he broke your heart, you want a man who is totally committed to us and won’t want to do anything to hurt us. We start to base our standards on the things that didn’t work out in the last relationship. He cheated on you, so you will always look for a faithful guy. He was not there for you when you needed him, you will want your new man to always be around you every time you need him to be there. When your new man doesn’t meet up with just one or two of these new standards you’ve set based on your last heartbreak, you are quick to leave the man. Hence the statement, all man are the same.

I’ve dated enough to understand that all men are not the same. Men are so different from each other that you need to really open up to learn the do’s and dont’s of a new guy you are with. It is so wrong to think that all men function the same why and I think that is why most people get it wrong. It is not all men that want to get into your pants, some really want to get to know you very well because sex is just as sacred to them as it is to you. What A wants from you is different from what the other wants from you. It is also totally different what you will receive from these guys. Don’t pack up your baggage to the next dude hoping the guy wants what your ex want or will give you the same thing your ex gave you. In fact, I’ve learnt that girls often dictate what they want to the guy they are dating. Imagine a girl telling a guy “I know all men are cheats but don’t cheat to my face” and you expect him not to? You’ve told him already to continue cheating but just do it away from you. You’ve told him you don’t mind if he is cheating on you as long as you don’t know about it.

Don’t go with the mentality that they are all the same else, you will get the same treatment and be heartbroken over and over again. When you break up with a guy, wait and make sure you are truly over the relationship before you move on to the next guy. I see girls who break up today and have new boyfriends tomorrow. You often wonder how easy it is to change boys but my opinion is just that these were already having backup plans in case their boos leave them. Most girls are so afraid to be alone that they will go with anybody that shows a slight interest. Relationships are not so easy that will change boys as if they are underwears. When you jump from one person to another, it shows that you are vulnerable and you are susceptible to being played especially when they know you are desperate not to be alone.

Deal with your broken heart before you move on to the next. Take time off the dating game so you can heal properly. Find who you are and learn to love yourself a lot. Discover the reasons you want to be in a relationship. Don’t just go into it because it is normal for you to date; it is totally abnormal to date when your heart is not ready and you are being pressured to. Dating to please people is just a recipe for heartbreak. With your “boyfriend”, never give your 100%. The reason most girls commit suicide when they leave their boyfriends is because they gave their 100 percent especially to a relationship that was not defined. Give as much as he is giving you; let there be a balance. The balance is what will make you not cry or your world fall apart when you break up. Give your 100 percent only in marriage. Don’t just be a girlfriend and do everything for him; cook, clean, have sex, do his laundry etc. Do not give him all the wifely benefits when you are just his girlfriend. What happens when you find out you are just friends with benefits to him or “side chick”? Also, define your relationship from the start. Know what you have with a guy before you get so committed. Don’t base your relationship on assumptions, another thing can make heartbreaks suicidal.

If you are heartbroken, take your time to be alone. If you are not completely healed, you are only going to transfer aggression from your ex to your next. Be alone and enjoy all the good things of life while getting better. Go out, hang out with friends, eat good food, shop and take good care of yourself, buy loads of chocolate and eat at least a bar per day. Healing is not complete without those amazingly yummy brown bars ;). In all, let no man have control over how you feel especially when you’ve broken up. Always remember God loves you too much to be sad. He will never break your heart.

Drop your comments to share your opinions about heartbreaks with me 🙂

The horror never stops and I’m not sure it ever will. I look around me and all I can see is the horrifying truth of what the rest of my life will be like. I know they say when there is hope, there is life but at the moment, I prefer death to this sad life I’m forced to live. I can’t even imagine what mama will be going through at home but I’m glad she doesn’t have to see me this way. It is selfish to say but I never want to return to her, ever. I doubt if I’ll ever be normal again. If I would be able to leave the confines of my room without the fear of what might happen to me out there. I’m not even sure I would be able to look at my father and brothers without screaming or cringing. I am terrified that I may wake up one night and stab them all to death without flinching. I’m terrified of the animal they have turned me into in just two weeks, I’m terrified of myself.

I’m terrified because despite everything that is going on around me, there is no tear for me to shed. Although at first, I had cried till my eyes were red and swollen shut. I cried for myself, I cried for mama, I cried for papa, I cried for my siblings, I cried for others who had been lucky to escape this horror when they died, I cried for the unlucky ones like me tied to the trees waiting for them to decide our fate. I cried when the first girl was taken and raped right in front of us. So many of the soldiers took turn in raping her till she passed out. I cried when I was called with two other girls to carry the body out and dump it in a dark room that smelled worse that the unwashed bodies of our abductors. The tears flowed freely when one of the girls resisted being raped and was slaughtered right in front of us. Her head was cut off from her body and the blood kept sprouting from her neck. They did not even tell us to bury the body; they set it right in front of us a reminder of what can happen if we try to resist them or run away. Even when I had witnessed the rape of so many girls, I could not stop crying when the large manhood of a soldier ripped my hymen and many other took their turns on me.

The tears would not stop then but it has stopped now. The fear has been replaced with a murderous hatred for everything that looks like a man and that is why mama must not see her precious daughter this way. The eyes that was once filled with life and happiness is filled with hatred. It will hurt mama that the heart once capable of love is now cold and has plotted the death of these creatures. The once long and soft hair you loved plaiting has been shaved off, mama. Everywhere I turn in this forest, all I see and smell is death and horror. It drives me crazy, that this may be my fate till they finally get tired of us all, kill us and then abduct new girls. Now, I can feel the tears. Tears for innocent lives walking out there with their fates unknown to them.

Written for the 200+ abducted girls and the victims of Boko Haram. I have deep pain in my heart and I know only God can help us.