theinkheartblog

letting the ink tell the tales conceived in my mind………

Month: November, 2014

Faith Is All You Need

Time ticked as I held her in my arms yet it felt as if the world had stopped rotating on its axis. She snuggled closer and I caught a whiff of her shampoo and hair cream. The mixture of both hair products smelt like fresh lemons and I buried my nose deeper in it. Her short, silky hair tickled my nose and instead of the laughter it once brought to my lips, it brought tears to my eyes. I put my hand through almost skin cut and wished there was something I could do change the situation, I would sacrifice anything and everything to make the love of my life better. There was a time her was so long that I teasingly called her a mermaid. I would part the hair into tiny clumsy braids and she would laugh at me for being such a poor stylist. The times I would apply relaxer just because I loved the way her long felt under my fingers or the times I would brush her hair till she slept off. There were times she jokingly told me I had married her for her hair and she would threaten to chop it all of. If I only I could turn back the hands of the time and chop the hair off myself; maybe that would have kept sickness away from her.

It started a year ago when she woke me up, her favorite white washcloth was scarlet and she looked at me with fear and confusion clearly etched on her face. I wanted to take her in my arms then and tell her she would be fine but I could not. I was so scared myself that I could not get up from the bed. I watched in horror as she coughed and spat more blood onto the washcloth. Her face; mingled with all the terrifying emotions, tears and blood would not leave my memory. All I could think of as I sat glued to the bed was “let this not be serious, Lord” but the news from the doctor shattered my heart into tiny fragments. How could the woman who had stood by me, who had brought me nothing but happiness since I knew her be dying? How could my joy, my better half be ripped from me so untimely. I should have been the strong one but I broke down in tears as the doctor went on and on about what treatments could be administered to make here live just a little longer. I should have been the one holding her in my arms assuring her that everything would be fine but I broke down, too weak and angry to think. How could I forget that day as she held me in her own arms, telling me everything was going to be okay. She had no tears in her eyes and I could feel her strength.

And she had been strong and I wondered how she could be so strong despite the fact that she was in pains. She would come to me and encourage, telling me all about God and faith and His will. She would hold my hands, read the Bible and pray with me. She never complained about how tired she was or how unfair God was and all that made me angrier with God. One time, I was in the bathroom cursing God being so mean to such a wonderful woman. I was crying and ranting on and on about the pain in my heart. She came to me and held me till I was done crying. She led me to the bedroom and tucked me; as I should be doing for her. She looked at me with love and told me it was God’s will that she came back home early. She told me God had plans and we are nothing to contend with His plans. She told me that God understood all things and we can not question Him. She knelt down by my side and prayed with me that God should give me the strength and power to have faith in His plans. That night, she showed me another side of life. That side of life where you believe in where God is leading you no matter how unfair you think His plans are. I saw the side of life where someone could say “Lord, it’s Your will, do as You wish” even when you are going through so much. She did not even ask for a miracle, she asked for the strength to have faith in the plans of God. After a year, she never changed. Sometimes her faith scared me, other times it made my faith grow so strong. She never cursed, she never cried, she smiled always through the pain and prayed.

I moved her a little so I could look into her eyes. She smiled weakly and I could not hold my tears anymore.

    “Baby, it is going to be fine, okay?”
    “No, it is never going to be fine. How do I cope without you? How? I can’t even think of losing you. No, it can never be fine”, I heard myself say through clenched teeth and waterfall of tears. I wanted to look away but she would not let me.
    “You are a strong man. You are going to be fine. How do you cope without me? I won’t leave you, I will always be in your heart. And you are never going to be alone. God is always with you, always”
    “Oh baby, I will be lost without you”
    “No, you won’t. The Lord will be your shepherd and you can never be lost. All you need is faith. Do you have faith in God, baby?”
    “I do, sweetheart, I do”
She smiled at me, her eyes shining like tiny stars. Something in me broke, I knew it was time.
    “That’s all you will need baby. That’s all you need…”

She closed her eyes and her body went limp in my arms, leaving me to trust in God’s plans for my life….

Hi everyone, it is a beautiful night. A reminder that nothing works without faith in God. Sometimes it is hard to think about faith when you are going through certain issues in your life. It is tough to believe there is something good out of your mess. Even when your heart wants to trust, you find yourself doubting if God is even there. I am a living testimony that faith works. He can transform your mess into a glorious message, just if you believe in Him. Trust and Obey, there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus but by doing that. What stands you out from an ordinary Christian is your faith in the God you are serving. #Shalom..

New Age Resolution

It’s some days to the last month of the year and well, my birthday too. For some reason, the buzz I was feeling at the beginning of the month has started fading and I am not even in interested in the birthday plans I was making. It’s not as if anything bad happened; in fact, I have only received good news this month so far. I’ve been blessed, small gifts here and there but I am not just excited about the whole thing anymore. Even the birthday series I started to write has lost its appeal and my mind has been fixed on something very melancholy; the significance of a new age. I never wanted to think about the fact that I was growing older and becoming more independent and responsible for myself and my choices but my mind just wanted to reflect on the big change in my life; that’s how turning 23 feels to me.

Some days back, I was having a very random chat with a friend and one thing led to another, he asked what I really wanted to do with my life now that I am growing older. It sounded like a very normal and random question but at that moment, the question sounded like a very big deal. I cunningly changed the topic but my mind was not settled. I started to think about what I really wanted my life to look like. Before then, I had a vivid picture of what my future would be like; graduate from school, go to arts academy, start a career in film making, build my one in a million kind of library, travel around the world and write a best seller journal, of course get married and raise my kids. The whole thing was there in my head and I am already working towards being that kind of a woman to set the pace for people to follow but then, my mind started questioning my plans. What happens if I don’t get to be all those thing I have planned to be? What if I am just working towards the woman I think I should be instead of the woman I am supposed to be? What if I am living another person’s dreams? What if the literature and arts world is not my scene? What if all I am doing now is just preparing me for another kind of career that is so different from the entertainment world? These questions really baffled me because all my wise years on earth, I have always wanted to do was create beauty with my words, be surrounded by books and turn the movie industry around for good. It was a lifelong dream and now that my mind began questioning my choice of a career, I started thinking deep.

First of all, it questioned my calling as a general for Christ. Yeah, I have a calling to be a minister of God and I have denied that part more than often. Looking at my past, I have condemned myself and questioned God’s judgement like God, this is Alice o, the girl with tattoos and horrible past and even terrible present. You don’t want her to stand behind the pulpit to preach the Gospel now. Each time I condemned myself, God kept telling me I fit; it’s not about what you see in yourself, it’s about what God sees in you. I’ve been ashamed of my calling, shy to talk about it, shy to even think about it but I think it high time I stopped being a fool and embrace the life God wants for me. What better way to live than to live on God’s terms than on mine? It is just so funny how a simple question can open your eyes to see your flaws. If God wants me, what better time to serve him than in the days of my youth when I have the strength to do everything I can for God.

Secondly, what happens if I wake up tomorrow and find out all my talents are gone? Wake up and I can’t even think of a single line. I am a very lazy writer and the excuse I give myself is it is every writer’s curse. No, it is just a lazier excuse for a lazy somebody. Even if every writer is lazy, why can’t I be different? Most of the time I pick up my tab to write, I just drop it back or start playing games ina false attempt to search for “Muse”. The story is there is my head but I am just too lazy to put them into words.

Thirdly, where is the plan to give back to life what it has given to me? Where is the plan to do for others more than I do for myself? My plan to make sure the smile on my face is as a result of the smile I put on another’s face. Even if I don’t have the money to donate to charity, my words should bring hope to people, give them a reason to live, to smile, to achieve things. Most times, I want this to be the aim of my works. I write sad stories, yeah but reading sad stories can make you thankful, hopeful, give you the chance to change your own story. Most of the time I deviate from this purpose all in the bid for extra comments and more traffic on the blog.

Sigh. All of these boil down to the fact that I was trying to please people who are not even worth it, who don’t even notice you. Today, I took a bold step and decided to start afresh. I embrace my calling and will go wherever God wants me to go. I refuse to be ashamed of my calling, of the Gospel and of God. It doesn’t matter what people will say, it is always about what God says about me. I refuse to be lazy. Even if I am dying and I have a story to tell, I will say it. What use is it to die with all those in my head. I refuse to write to please but write to teach. You don’t like my style of writing, another person that really needs the lesson will. Even if it is one person that reads the article, fine by me. All I want is for my words to teach love, laughter, life, hope, faith and to bring smiles to people’s face. I refuse to live my life to please others but to set the example God wants me to set.

This is my resolution for the new age and so help me God…

Note: Please visit http://www.tosynbucknor.com to read some of my articles and entertainment gists plus the site has really cool contents that you guys will love. You can also follow @sharewithtosyn on twitter for updates about the site and some other news. Like on Facebook too: Thetosynbucknorwebsite. Don’t forget to check http://www.360nobs.com/author/alice-temitope-dako/ for articles on health, relationship and more… Thank you all for taking time to read this long post… You guys are awesome. Between, birthday is in 12 days, not excited but I still want birthday gifts o, start asking for account number *shines yellow teeth*

Like A Dream

So, I was feeling sort of lonely tonight and I started imagining what it would be like to meet that special someone. You know, it’s one of those nights you want to spend in the arms of that special somebody, laughing the night away *sigh*… Oh, and if you are on instagram, please follow me @the_ardent_inkheart and I will follow back. My ministry there needs to be populated.. Enjoy my first love story in months (I don’t do it often cos I suck at it)…..

image

Shoes in one hand and her handbag and jacket in the other she walked barefoot not caring who was looking at her. Her hair was tied in a loose ponytail and she had a little scarf tied around the hair to keep the loose tendrils from flying about in her face. She wore a black straight pencil skirt that stopped some inches below her knee and a matching see through camisole. She looked unreal, like something I had conjured from my fantasy land. In all my years as a female hunter, I had never seen a woman so mesmerizing. Her long legs would put Yvonne Nelson to shame. Even with no shoes, jogging to get to her car, the legs looked beautiful. I started imagining the legs wrapped around my waist as I did deliciously bad things to her.
     
      “Na you park this car? Oga na you park this car?”

I must have been so lost in my fantasy that I did not notice her coming to my side till she poked me roughly on my shoulders and was screaming at me in pidgin. She looked even more beautiful. Her face was oily and she had not bothered to re-do her make up as most women would do after work just keep up the pretty appearance. Her red lipstick was almost not there anymore and her eye shadow had spread to the outer part of her eyelid but she still looked beautiful.
    
      “You no dey speak English? You understand Yoruba?”

I was confused. Speak english? Understand yoruba? Then it clicked. She thought I was a driver. I looked at myself and out into laughter. The poor chick just looked at me as if I was crazy. Dressed in stone washed jeans shorts that had seen better days and a Polo I picked from my overflowing laundry basket, I definitely passed for a driver.

     “Sir, but wetin dey funny in this matter? I need you to move your car so I can leave here, please”.

She shook her keys and made the driving sign with her hands which made me laugh the more. I should just get into my car and let her go home in peace but she was making me laugh; something I had not done in weeks since I heard the news of my mother’s death. She was the breathe of fresh air my friends told me I needed.

     “Sir, please. I. Need. This. Car. Out. Of. The. Way. Please”.
     “I won’t”, I heard myself say “until you agree to marry me”

I expected a slap, some curse words, long hiss and those things females do when they are really pissed but this girl surprised me by laughing.
   
     “Oya, where is the ring? Shebi it is to marry you, abi? I’ve said yes, oya move your car”

I was in love. She just kept laughing and her laughter was like music to my ears, although it was loud and not all that “sexy” but I loved it. I loved the way she threw her head to the back and shook it from side to side as she laughed. Her teeth was so even and very white. I was getting weak in the knees, butterflies were fluttering in my tummy, my heart was beating fast. All I wanted was to take the girl home and make her mine forever.

    “I’m serious, hun. Marry me. Be my bae. I want my kids to have your beautiful eyes, your smile, your face. Please marry me”

She just kept laughing; throwing her head to the back, shaking it from side to side and flashing her white, even teeth at me.

    “You know for a driver, you speak so well”, still shining her gorgeous teeth at me. I was just grinning like a reindeer.
    “Why don’t you give me your heart and then you’ll find out if I’m a driver or not”.

She laughed again. By then, I was too looked to let her go. I would stalk her home, if that’s what it took. I was so ready for anything but she surprised me again.

    “Give me your phone”, she said with a smile that melted my heart.
I brought out my newly acquired bold5 that was very much the in thing then. She took it and smiled again. She typed her number on my phone and called her phone with mine.

     “What’s your name, driver?”
     “Olaoluwa.. And yours?”
     “Dara, Oluwadarasimi.. You have my number, I have yours, why don’t we start with a phone call?”

And that was the beginning of my happiness..  I can’t take my eyes off the most beautiful woman that swore an oath of love with me on the altar to stick with me through thick and thin. Every time I look at her, I feel so alive. Sometimes, I wondered what I had done to deserve a woman like her. She had brought laughter to my life and I feel so blessed. She turned to look at me and I felt the butterflies unleashed.

    “Your son must have felt your eyes. He just kicked”
    “My daughter, I want a girl, a mini you. I want to be surrounded by your face and laughter”
    “No way, I want a boy. I want a new boyfriend”
 
I placed my hand on her big stomach and closed my eyes, feigning seriousness.
      “God, please let it be a girl. In fact, two girls”

She threw her head back and shook it from side to side. There was that music again, that turns my heart into hot liquid all the time…

Random Rants

I was supposed to start a series; a birthday series titled 23 days to the 23rd year but the witches in my village have decided to visit today but my God pass them. First it was the anger brewing inside of me for nothing. I just stayed with my siblings trying to cool things off and when they saw I was not breaking bottles or killing anybody, they decided to mess with my tab. My tab is my love, my everything, my BAE!!! I have over 100 self-authored articles, over 30 copies of e-books (thank God I’m a fan of paperbacks. I can just imagine all my books going up in flames), my pictures, my videos (especially “Turbo”), my games and important apps especially the recipe apps and they just got wiped off like that. I have some of them somewhere else but not all of them. Apparently someone decided to encrypt my files (the person did not know what that is) and then rebooted the tab *sigh*

I just want to scream, break things, slap some faces and then weep over malteseers but I could not even do that. 1. I’ll lose my voice which I hate whenever that happens. 2. If I break anything, I will have to buy it back which I can’t afford at the moment. 3. My brother is here with two of my sisters. My face will be decorated with finger-like tribal marks and I want to look good for my birthday plus the pain will be almost too unbearable that I won’t be able to eat the turkey my sister was boiling 4. I don’t have malteseers and I doubt if I will get in this my dry area. Since I could not do all that, I had only one choice; rant about it on my blog.

I did not mean to bore you with this post as it has absolutely no important value. I just feel like screaming for everyone to hear and maybe sympathize with me *sigh, I can be a big baby sometimes*. Strangely, I actually feel somehow better *breathes in and out*. That said, I’ll be posting the 8th episode of Till Sex Do Us Part and the 1st episode of the 23 days to the 23rd year later in the day… If you read this to the end, big, wet, huge kisses for you. If you are a girl, a big bear hug will do cos I’m not that kind of girl; if you know what I mean… Aurevior…

HALF BAKED BREAD

I could not stop crying, not even after my friends had forced me to eat my favourite chocolate which by the way tasted like sawdust in my mouth. I had chewed the candy bar and managed to swallow it so as not to piss my friends off who were trying their best to make me smile. I should tell them to get out of my room, that I wanted to be alone but I knew I was going to waste my time and breathe.

   “Sorry na, stop crying jor. You know you never deserved such a crappy man in the first place, you are worth so much more than that”, Angela said in a gentle voice, trying to reassure me that there was no need for tears.

   “Yes, Angie is right, you know. You deserve better than that. You should be celebrating and not crying that he is finally out of your life. I never even liked the boy sef”, said Desola who actually never liked any boy I dated. If it was another time and situation, I would have made jokes about her loving me so much, she wants me to be her lesbian partner or her step mom.

    “You guys should stop with the she deserve better talk, abeg. I know she does but then, you think it is easy to date someone, give your all to them and have it thrown back in your face? You people should stop rubbing salt in the injury, it’s not helping”, Lana, my roommate, said. She always looked at things differently and I was not surprised if she was not going on about the poor choice I made.

    “Haba, Lana, are we not all trying to help her ni? You know we only have her best interest at heart and the tears, me, I don’t like it o. It will soon start making me cry sef”, said Sola.

    “Abeg jare, Lana, don’t make us look like the bad guys. We are sha not that stupid fool that dumped a diamond all because he could not stop chasing dirt. He is a pig, a very unwise pig”, Angela said, sounding very angry and her voice had gone higher.

   “Stop shouting, okay. It won’t help her and stop reminding her about what happened. Stop, let’s look for something to distract her instead”, Lana said as if I was not in the room. I had had enough, I was tired, my head was ringing from the noise and I needed to be alone.
   
   “You people should leave me alone, abeg. I need to be by myself”
   “But babes, we can’t leave you on your own na. God forbid you do something irrational”, said Angela.
    “Ahan, abeg it is not that bad na”, Lana said, trying to defend me.

They kept on arguing about why they should stick with me but I heard nothing. I was hearing something else.
     
You know why I could get away with everything I did, you made me. You made me and you made it so easy for me. You saw the signs, right from the start but you chose to stick around because you were afraid of being alone. You allowed yourself to be blinded and settled for lesser than you could have gotten. You are better than you give yourself credit for, you should know that”

“You know the only problem I have with you, you don’t know your worth. You keep thinking you have to settle for less because you have had a terrible past. Who doesn’t have a past? You are beautiful, inside and out but you keep allowing yourself to be trampled upon because you think nobody wants you”

“You don’t know who you are, really. You try to hide behind this false strength you try to show everyone. You are strong, the strongest person I know but you don’t even see that strength. You keep trying to be what you are not just to please the wrong people, like me. I just see the easiness and use that against you and it baffles me that the most intelligent and smartest woman chose to stay, even when you could see that I was using you. You are just pathetic”

“You know what I call people like you? Half baked bread. You are complete. You are beautiful, strong, smart, intelligent, the best woman any man will be proud of but then you are so incomplete. You know why, because you doubt yourself, so much that you settle for less, almost nothing sef. Until you have faith in yourself, you can never be complete. You are going to be half and men will just use you as they want, even your colleagues too. I need a complete woman, not half baked bread”.

Half baked bread. That’s what I was. All four boys that I had dated said the same things just in different languages. They were right but I thought it was not a big issue. What was faith when I could surrender everything to my man, I had always thought but I was wrong. Proven wrong four times and that was why I was crying. I was not crying because a man had decided he wanted nothing to do with me anymore, I was crying because they had all been right. How many times had I known in my heart that I was selling myself short just because someone seemed to give me something I needed at a time. Why would I believe anyone would give me something I could not give myself? Why would I ever doubt myself, was I not the only one who understood perfectly what I am about? How could anyone have faith in me when I did not even trust myself? No wonder I was being trampled upon, even at work too. How many times had I been shunned when I was obviously right?

   “You know what you need, babes?”
   “Yes, I do. I need faith. A lot of it. I need to have faith in myself”

They all looked at me as if I had grown another head. They did not understand, they never would. I needed to find faith and never let go…

To everyone who think they are not good enough, who think they need someone to be strong, who think their happiness is dependent on someone else, all you need is to believe in yourself that you can make it happen… To all half baked breads, all you need is faith…

Written by Dako. A. Temitope

5 SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN WAYS MONEY CAN BUY YOU HAPPINESS

Whether or not money can buy happiness has been argued over and over in the time past and money not being a source of happiness always win the debate. According to Nobel-prive winning economist; Daniel Kanheman, you do not need beyond an annual income of $75,000 (almost 13,000,000 naira), which should more than enough to fund a comfortable lifestyle, to make you happy. The school of thought that money can not buy happiness is dependent on the hedonic adaptation theory. According to this theory, human brain only adjusts to what it senses; what’s new today becomes old tomorrow and so the same applies with the material things you buy with money. The thrill you get from the new phone or television you just got wears out as you get used to it. So, what is the use of the things acquired with money if they can provide a lasting feeling of satisfaction, excitement as the first time, argued some psychologists.
Well, according to a recent study published in a book written by Elizabeth Dun; an associate professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and Michael Norton; an associate professor of Marketing at Harvard Business School titled “Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending”, money can buy you happiness. According to the writers, the key to having a long term happiness from the thing you purchase with your money is shifting the attention from buying stuff to experience and from spending on yourself to spending on others. These are the five principles, in summary, to buying happiness:

1. BUY EXPERIENCE: rather than concerning yourself with buying the latest car, latest gadget and all those material things, why not put that money into an experience that brings a long lasting experience as you talk about it or remember. It doesn’t even have to extravagant, just fun. Experiences have a way of making us laugh even long after it has happened. Take a family vacation or go out with your friends of colleagues. According to Dunn and Norton, experience provides more happiness than material goods in part because experiences are more likely to make us feel connected your others.

2. MAKE IT A SPECIAL TREAT: According to the authors, abundance is the enemy of appreciation. The sad reality of human experience in general is that the more we are exposed to something, the more it’s impact diminishes. In a simpler language, we tend to abuse what we are too familiar with. So when spoiling yourself with experiences or anything at all, do not overdo it.

3. BUY TIME: one of the things human beings don’t have in abundance is time. We always need more time to do one thing or the other. In order to have more time to do what you need to do, use your money to purchase more time. How do you that? Simple. All you have to do is hire trustworthy people to do those things for you even better than you would have done it. Even if you can’t afford people, there are machines to make work easier and buy you more time. These machines add value to you, your work and help you produce more effective results. For example, using a land mower will save you a whole lot of time rather than using a cutlass. Buy time, buy more happiness.

4. PAY NOW, CONSUME LATER: no one can deny that buying things and then paying paying later can be so much fun until the debtor comes knocking on your door and you don’t have the money to pay up. The pay now, consume later helps to cancel the credit system. Paying before you get the product, especially experience provides time from positive expectations t develop, says the authors. Paying for a trip beforehand helps you to enjoy the trip because you don’t have to worry about the cost. It will feel like an almost free vacation.

5. INVEST IN OTHERS: the ultimate way to be happy with what you do with money is making someone smile. Invest in someone’s dream. The fact that you are part of someone’s success is enough reason to make you happy for a very long time. You don’t have to do something big, buying a much needed school textbook or paying transport fare is more than enough. According to Elizabeth and Michael’s research, even spending small amounts of money on others can make a big difference in your happiness level.

The five principles are fantastic because they focus on what you can do with the money you have and not about getting more money. No amount of money is too small to make you happy, what you do with the money, why you did that thing and who you do it for matter a lot if you want to use your money to buy happiness.

Please subscribe to bbm channel: C00446F02.. Thank you… And Happy birthday to a very wonderful person, namesake and freshly crowned fellow Amala hater (Lol)… Wish you the best of things money can’t even purchase, those little things that make you richer than the wealthiest man in the world; the peace of the Almighty God… You know if the Bible said she who finds a husband, I would have found you… These few weeks I have known you, you’ve proven to be awesome.. Happy Happy Happy Birthday, namesake…

Written by Dako. A. Temitope

EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CHEATING BUT TOO AFRAID TO ASK

Cheating is so rampant that females have been taught to get used to it. We’ve been told over and over that all men cheat. Not that cheating is affiliated to men alone but in this part of the world, it is very common amongst men. Note that it is not all men that cheat nor is it only married men that cheat. Most single men think cheating is not a crime because there is no legal bond between them and their babes. It’s almost as if it is their right to sleep with other women while they are married or not. No matter how often we’ve heard that men are dogs will always act like dogs, it is always traumatic when your partner is caught cheating. Be it with the maid, a colleague at work, a random babe he met somewhere or a prostitute, knowing that your husband sleeps with another woman asides you can cause a deep pain to you. You want to ask him certain things but you are just so afraid of the answers you’ll get or you just don’t knw who to ask. These are the answers to the questions that may roaming your mind:

1. If he wants her so much, why is he still with me?
Ans: He is selfish. He wants the both of you. If he has fallen in love with the other woman, he will eventually get a divorce from you and go to her. If he doesn’t want to leave you, he’s just plain greedy or he sees something in you that is not worth leaving the girl for. For him, it may just be that the sex with the other girl is great.

2. Is it wrong to watch him or hire a private investigator if I suspect that he is cheating?
Ans: it is not wrong to have your husband watched or boyfriend when you have an intuition that he is cheating on you. As his wife, you have every right to know what he is doing outside your marriage especially when your emotional well being is involved. Never feel guilty about having him followed. If it is a boyfriend, be careful so you won’t come off a obsessive and clingy.  

3. Why does he keep cheating on me even when he says he won’t do it again?
Ans: He keeps doing it again because he knows that you will forgive him. In the time past, you’ve taken him in after he’s been caught and he is confident that you will take him in again. You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. If you want him to take you seriously, make him understand that his cup is full and you’re not having anything to do with him again. Up the ante or you will continue to live a life of emotional turmoil.

4. He’s such a liar. How can I ever trust him again that he will never cheat on me again?
Ans: Learning to trust again especially after you’ve been hurt by the person you love is very hard and in some cases, impossible. It is an individual choice to trust or not to trust again and only you will know if you truly feel comfortable with what is being said and done. There is no quick fix for infidelity, it can take years to restore trust. Many men believe that once they have confessed, that should be the end of the matter. Unless you know that you’ve been heard on all levels and your partner understands the gravity of his immaturity and the mistakes he made, you may never get over him cheating.

5. If he’s having another relationship, must it be sexual?
Ans: when you ask the question “is it sexual?”, you are trying to justify your man’s deception and minimize your emotional anguish. It doesn’t matter if he is watching pornography, chatting with other women online or physically having an affair because it will all end up in a desire for sex. If it was all innocent and harmless to you, the only question you should be asking is “would you do any or all of these things with me present?”

6. Is it my fault that he is cheating?
Ans: it is never your fault that your man is cheating on you. As hard as it is to believe, there are men who remain faithful to their wives despite all the temptation flying around them. I know most husbands and boyfriends try to shift the blames on to the woman by giving excuses like “you were too busy”, “you never paid attention to my sexual needs” and so on. He should stop shifting blames and take full responsibilty for his actions. That even shows he is more remorseful.

7. He gets home every evening when he is supposed but my guts tells me he is cheating on me. I’ve even seen signs, how can that be?
Ans: time is never the issue, it is always about the sex. To avoid raising suspicions, he would often sneak out of the office with his mistress to a discrete place where no one he can’t bump into people he knows. Some men even quickies in their offices just to prevent busy bodies from meddling in his affairs. It is always possible he is cheating on you despite the fact that he is always home. You can always have him investigated if you feel strongly that he is cheating on you.

8. Should I stay for the children?
Ans: Children pick up easily when there is tension at home and can blame themselves for what is going on. If you decide to stay and try to rebuild your relationship, you will both need to agree how this can be achieved without causing trauma for the children. From a child’s point of view, it is best to have a single happy parent than have two warring parents. Staying with him because of your kids and not still close to forgiving him or fixing your relationship will cause as much scar on your kids if not more. Think what’s best for the children.

9. When I say I’m going to leave, why doesn’t he take me seriously?
Ans: because you’ve been talking and not acting. If you didn’t leave before, he’s sure you won’t leave him, ever. Threats without actions are not worth anything.

10. I just want the truth, why does he keep comforting me with lies?
Ans: In most cases, he lied to you just to avoid facing your wrath if you know the truth. He hopes the denying it will it go away and you’ll stop asking him questions. He sometimes lies to protect his ego and the other woman fearing that you will use the information to undermine her. And he may also not tell truth because he fears that will damage his image in the eyes of others.

11. I feel like he is taking advantage of me and my love everytime he cheats on me and apologises. Is that true?
Ans: actually, yes he is. If he keeps going back and forth, he knows you love him too much and your heart is that large to accomodate his bullshit. Love is not enough to condone a man’s infidelity. If you feel like he is taking advantage of you, you should take a break especially if you people are not married. Analyse your feelings properly. Is he worth the hurt and tears?

12. I’m vulnerable, countless men have cheated on me over time. Are there still faithful me out there?
Ans: yes, there are men who do not go on sexual escapades outside their relationships. Even if you are a virgin, there are men who would respect that and remain undoubtedly faithful to you. Like you said, you are vulnerable and men can sense gullibility in women. Take time off dating and find out who you really are for you. Discover yourself and be a single woman every man won’t want to loose to another man. Do not carry that mindset that “all men cheat” into your relationship and remind him often that he can cheat but must not be caught.  

Written by Dako. A. Temitope

SEX AND MARRIAGE: WHY MEN FORCE IT AND WOMEN REFUSE IT

Note: this was originally written some months back after a church program. I did not change any part of it or add to it’s as not to distort the message. With the rate of divorce getting higher and higher these days andnlack of intimacy being one of the major reasons marriages collapse, I have decided to share it on here. Hopefully next week, I’ll post an article on how you can communicate with your significant other without a conflict.. I am not a marriage/relationship expert but I have seen enough to understand there are better ways to go about something without resulting into a huge fight. Please Read, Share and LEAVE A COMMENT. Thank you very much. And by the way, my birthday is 27 days away!!! Biko, start asking me for what I want or my account number :)…

I was in church yesterday and we were discussing sex, marriage and divorce. We were so deep into the whole thing because youths love the opportunity to talk about things like that openly whenever the chance is given. One thing led to another and my pastor asked a powerful question that got me thinking. He asked if there was such a thing as rape in marriage. He explained why he asked and after we gave our opinion, he gave some tips why men forcefully have sex with their wives and why women refused sex in the first place. Coupled with some research, i will like to share some of the reasons with you all, hoping to save a marriage or a future marriage.

As seen in some of our nollywood movies or books or online materials or in our homes, women give different excuses when the husband is asking for sex. The most common one is “I am tired” or “I have a headache”. Some women may pass the message across very politely and some may not be so nice when telling their husbands to back off. These excuses can lead to so many things and one of the things is a man forcefully having sex with his wife which can also be termed as rape. Study has shown that 10-14 percent of every married woman have experienced at least one sexual assault by her husband or ex-husband. Listed below are the reasons why this happen and why women give excuse too:

WHY MEN FORCE SEX ON THEIR WIVES

#TWISTED RELIGIOUS BELIEFS: To most of the men who rape their wives, it is not a big deal. They see it as a wrong thing to cheat on their wives (which is good) because their belief doesn’t support it. Rather than go outside to do it with another woman, they would then force her when she is not the mood. Some Christians see it as a norm because 1 Corinthians 7 vs 4-5 says the wife’s body belongs to the husband and the husband’s body belongs to the wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that the Satan will not tempt you with your lack of self control. They skipped the 6th verse that says “as a concession and not as a command”. Muslims use “If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses, and then he sleeps angry, the angels shall curse her until he awakens .[an unquestionably authentic hadith, related by both Bukhari and Muslims, as well as numerous others]” as an excuse forcefully have carnal knowledge of their wives, tired or sick.

#EGO: men are the head of the home, we all know but some men take it to the head position to another level entirely. They believe only they have the power to say yes and no, they control everything including the woman’s mood. A man like that will see no reason not to rape his wife when he so chooses. He goes in whenever he wills without caring if she is happy, sad, horny or not.

#FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS: In an environment where everything is practically on display around him, especially at work. The secretary is wearing skimpy skirt and revealing blouse and she is always bending or walking in front of him, his friends are talking about really sexual things; he is liable to get horny. When he gets home, he is definitely hoping to get rid of his blue balls. If the wife puts up resistance, he will have to force her especially if he is the faithful type.

#BIZARRE FETISH DESIRES: some men get the thrill from raping their wives or girlfriends. It doesn’t even matter if the girl is willing or not, if she doesn’t struggle or beg, they won’t enjoy sex. A man will always force his wife to have sex if he falls into this category.

WHY WOMEN REFUSE IT:

#SHE IS REALLY TIRED: most women do all the works at home. Some go to work, come back home to cook and still help the kids with assignments and all. Even full house wives get tired too. When a woman is really stressed, sex is the last thing on her mind. She may also be tired of your techniques before, during and after sex. If you always put yourself first during sex, she definitely will not enjoy it and it start giving her headache just to think about going through the same boring sex. What was meant to be pleasurable has turned into hard labour. Just picture being sentenced to life imprisonment where you do the same thing every day till you die.

#SHE IS NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO YOU: some men stop taking care of themselves once they are married. They have big potbellies, unkempt hair and moustache just because the woman is now theirs. Whatever it was that she found so hot has vanished before her eyes and every time it is time to have sex, she pictures your big stomach  pressing her down and suffocating her. She definitely will give you an excuse not to have sex with you.

#SHE IS PUNISHING YOU: some women would refuse their husbands sex just because he had earlier refused to give her something she needs or he has done something wrong. She may withhold sex just get away with something she has done or get her way with what she wants.

#REVERSED ROLE: when a woman is the breadwinner instead of the husband, she tends to always be on her toes about how to make provision for the house and sex is usually the last thing on her mind. She is not proud, she is just preoccupied with making everyone comfortable and happy even for the man.

Written by Dako. A. Temitope

Ink-terview with “The Mind Specialist”

Hello everyone and Happy new month… It’s 30 days to my birthday and I’m so excited because I’m finally trying those things I never thought I could do (let me not bore you with the details). Well, I did an interview with a stranger that turned out to be a very wonderful person. I approached him and he did not turn me down; being a rookie. He was super nice and very awesome. He is one of my favourite (right from naijastories) and he is my name-sake too (grins). I will like to say a very gigantic thank you to Doctor Temitope Ogundare aka Topazo for saying Yes to me, you gave me the push I needed for these changes on my blog. I call him the mind specialist because he is enthralled by the mind, so fascinated with it he had to study psychiatry; amazing right?

Please Read and don’t forget to leave a comment, it will be nice to hear what you have to say about the interview. If you have any questions for him, please use the comment box too… Thank you very much.

The Inkheart: Tell me a little bit about your growing up. School, all those basic stuff you wish to share with people that love topazo

Topazo: Grew up in Ado Ekiti, then moved to Lagos and then to Akure. Attended St. Joseph N/P school in Ado Ekiti. Did a short stint at St Finbar’s Akoka Lagos, then switched to FGC Idoani where I completed wassce. Attended unilorin, studied medicine and surgery. Did internship at FMC owo, served at Kazaure in Jigawa state

The Inkheart: Interesting…

Topazo: You find that interesting?

The Inkheart: Yes, because you were up and down.. Travelling and discovering new places is one of the things I enjoy doing and hearing about. You must have enjoyed going to new places and making new friends, right?

Topazo: Not really, I was a hermit. I used to be extremely shy though I’ve loosened up a bit now. Didn’t have much friends, I still don’t.

The Inkheart: Hmmm.That’s because you spend your time thinking up wonderful stories and poems, yeah? Or you have other hobbies that take up your time

Topazo: I didn’t start writing early o. Well, not early by my standards. I was already in the university. Before then, all I loved doing was reading novels and stories. Anything from stories in tracts and church magazines to paperbacks, some without their cover or even starting in the middle. I devoured any fiction I could lay my hands on. Then along the line, I fell in love with music but it has been an elusive lover, never allowing me full mastery. Still I manage to play piano and guitar. I also binge on music. Listening for hours, sleeping with it on in my ears when I’m in the mood and sometimes going for weeks without listening to music

The Inkheart: Wonderful, you play musical instruments too.. how nice

Topazo: Sometimes, I like to think of myself as a composer. I make new melodies. I’m listening to one now sef

The Inkheart: Hmmm. Would love to listen to it and I’m sure your readers will like to see another part of Topazo; the man with multi talents

Topazo: You will have to kill me o. Like I said, I’m very shy. Just assume that it’s average or just barely sonorous

The Inkheart: I don’t assume, it’s the lowest form of knowledge. I’m sure your readers will agree with me too.

Topazo: Well, all they need to know is that I love music and play piano. That should suffice. You are really sounding all journalistic o, like you’re doing a TV interview! Did you study mass comm?

The Inkheart: Nope, computer science

Topazo: You are a natural o. Or you’ve been doing this before now?

The Inkheart: Awww, thank you. You are my first. So, back to you. You said you started writing in the university. What made you decide you wanted to write? What was that “han Han” feeling that got you to pick your pen and never stopped. You were trying to write a love poem to a girlfriend?

Topazo: I guess somewhere deep, there has been the desire to write, it just didn’t find expressions early. It started with non-fiction and inspirational writing, stringing together quotes, then later penning my views on some issues. Fiction writing came much later. And no, none involved a girl. It would have been too easy and cliched now, wouldn’t it? And I used to hate poetry. I still do, though to a lesser degree

The Inkheart: Or romantic?

Topazo: Tah!

The Inkheart: You hate poetry?

Topazo: My first poem was a fluke, an accident but it came with a lot of positive review. I was surprised. Now, for one reason or the other, poetry comes easy to me. So, I’ve been forced to read about it and learn the various types and how to write them. But I follow no rule mostly, allowing my mind determine the flow. I hated poetry because it was too complex. Most of these acclaimed poets write poems that were too hard to understand with all those techniques of inner meanings and all those shits, pardon the vulgarity

The Inkheart: Amazing

Topazo: But the beauty of poetry is the ability of saying so much with so little words. You capture things vividly and the need for precision to express the emotions you want to evoke

The Inkheart: My thoughts exactly. We don’t have to be so philosophical with something you want “everybody” to enjoy or understand

Topazo: Maybe it’s because I lack imagination for fiction and the laziness to write long words or sometimes I can’t find words to portray a picture. So I resort to poetry.

The Inkheart: Way to go. And I love your poems, they are deep, very deep.

Topazo: Thanks

The Inkheart: Maybe that’s why your 50 word story makes so much sense with little effort

Topazo: Little effort? Not really o. You need to cut out unnecessary words, finding that balance is challenging. Sometimes you write the whole story without word limit and then start shaving, very laborious. For short stories like that, you need a story that carries punch, a twist somewhere, a story that will evoke deep emotions

The Inkheart: Okay, that’s not as easy as I imagined. Some writers are picking up that challenge.. How does that make you feel that you started something fresh

Topazo: I didn’t really start it. It was a challenge on wordpress, maybe I made it popular, kinda

The Inkheart: For me, it’s a redefinition of literature. It shows you don’t have to say much to pass across a message with the same emotion as the long stories. It’s a good trend. Good you took up that challene

Topazo: Exactly. Topazo: Hemingway wrote a complete story with 6 words

The Inkheart: Now, that’s sick!! 6 words!!

Topazo: It was a bet with his comtemporaries in a bar. I saw it not too long ago. That guy was tight.

The Inkheart: I’m feeling very challenged, inspired

Topazo: That’s good. But we also need long prose o. It’s like gliding on the wings of words. A tranquil journey, sometimes bumpy, chilling but all in all fun. Getting sucked and when you’re released you are sad that the journey has ended. I feel that way after reading a novel

The Inkheart: Sure, long stories can never go out of style. Maybe you could do a 10 word story for us? #Okbye

Topazo: I will keep that challenge in mind
(He actually did a 10-word story. You can check it out on his blog).

The Inkheart: Which of the novels you’ve read would you like to live in, if given the chance. Or God just calls you and says, Tope, you have to live in a book for the rest of your life, which would it be? And why?

Topazo: I rarely read novels twice. I have read only Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers twice. Also Ted Dekker’s Blink. Those books convey deep spiritual truths. If I would live in a book, maybe in ‘Blink’ or the ‘Circle Trilogy’ also by Dekker. He created a fascinating world but it was plagued later by hordes of evil. But they overcame. It was also a sweet love story. Replica of God’s love to his people. It was delicious. I want to read that trilogy again. It recreated the bible and evolution of judaism, Christianity and the current challenges but subtly. You won’t know when the truths are sinking in. He will lift you up with action and while you are up, sow the seed of truth and when you have landed, you would be sitting on the truth. Lovely style of Christian writing!

The Inkheart: Hmmm. I love Francine Rivers. ‘Atonement Child’ made me cry

Topazo: Francine is amazing. I’ve read all her books up to atonement child. I’ve not followed new releases since then. Then Ken Follett is another master. His classic “pillars of the earth” is another book I wanna read again.

The Inkheart: I have to look for these other guys. So you don’t trust Nigerian writers enough to live in their books?

Topazo: Not really. Growing up I read a lot of books from Nigerians. Pacesetter series. My fave was mark of the cobra. The most boring meet me in conakry or something like that. Followed by too cold for comfort. But the best drama I’ve read is femi osofisan’s midnight hotel!!!! It’s the best Nigerian book of all time for me. We were three that read it and passed it around and the general consensus was that it was the best book we had read at that time. A friend at that time said he had read a thousand books and that was the best. I could live in the midnight hotel for just that one night described.

The Inkheart: That time. And now? 

Topazo: Now it’s still ranks no 1 jor. Have you read it?

The Inkheart: Lol, nope

Topazo: You will laugh from beginning to the end

The Inkheart: Maybe I have, it sounds very familiar though

Topazo: Arrow of God by achebe, have read it twice too! Although na boredom cause that one. Trials of brother Jero, Soyinka! Lion and the jewel

The Inkheart: Yeah, those books 

Topazo: I must have read those two twice too

The Inkheart: Then I loved west African verse… a book of poems by west African writers, awesome and strangely, I was fascinated by Yoruba literature. The culture, tradition is very rich

Topazo: Lol. I tried to, it was too hard

The Inkheart: Lol. Like not so many Nigerian writers are book authors. (Trying to look for a sensible phrase, hoping you will understand the question). Amongst the fictional writers, who would you love to write a script about your life. Who do you trust to do a good job with your life story

Topazo: Hmm. Not thought about this. Nigerian writers you mean?

The Inkheart: Yes. But the ones without books

Topazo: Nigerian bloggers without books? You’ve narrowed them too much

The Inkheart: Yes. That’s exactly the point

Topazo: Most bloggers I know can deliver have books

The Inkheart: I think some writers are very good but they are not authors. Like Toyinfabs

Topazo: Oh, toyin fabs, yes. You sure she has no books? I think she does o

The Inkheart: I don’t think so. What’s the title?

Topazo: I’m not sure

The Inkheart: Okay, will find out. I just realised those bloggers I like have books o. Oya, let’s broaden the horizon. Bloggers in general

Topazo: Seun odukoya. Walter ude of my mind snaps. Tunde Leye. So who would you trust to write your stories?

The Inkheart: Sally, Toyinfabs, Glowingscenes. So, what’s your driving force? For every time you pick up your pen to write, what sets the fire in your belly?

Topazo: Sometimes it’s a single word or a phrase that sparks the flame and I keep writing and see where I land. It’s the mind, rather than my brain planning

The Inkheart: I can relate with the mind leading rather than the brain. In all your works, can you pick your favourite and why?

Topazo: It’s hard. “Help will come”, “Top of my head”. They were personal messages to me

The Inkheart: So, do you plan to have a book published soon? Like a collection of all your poems. I’m sure people would love it. I love the book already sef

Topazo: Working on it, if you link me to a publisher, I will bite. Lol, Stop with the flatteries already

The Inkheart: Not flattery, the truth

Topazo: Thanks #Blushing

The Inkheart: You’re welcome. Guess that’s the end of this interview

Topazo: You guess?

The Inkheart: That’s all.Thank you very much, you’ve been wonderful

Topazo: You are welcome, it’s been a delightful moment

Blog URL: http://www.zaphnathpaaaneah.com
Twitter handle: @zaphnath_paneah

Written by Dako. A. Temitope